The Best & Worst Hair of Premier League 2022/23
The Best & Worst Hair of Premier League 2022/23
As the curtain closes on a scintillating Premier League season there is plenty to look back on.
Firstly, there’s the astonishing achievement from Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City. The pundits claims from Winter last year that they were a better team without Erling Haaland have aged like more like semi-skimmed milk than a fine wine.
This brings us along nicely to other success stories. Few could’ve foreseen Brighton having their best season in living memory to claim a European spot, following the loss of both their esteemed manager and star player to Chelsea (more on that later). West Ham went one better following their Europa League journey last time around to get their hands on a trophy for the first time since 1980.
Then, of course, there has to be the losers to go with the winners; the Brussels sprouts in the proverbial Premier League Christmas dinner. Everyone’s favourite underdogs Leicester did the unthinkable as they were relegated just seven years on from their famous title win. However, there is one team who can lay claim to an even more spectacular fall from grace.
Basically, if you take those sprouts and combine with one cup of cyanide and a hefty dog turd then you have the vegetable side dish equivalent to Chelsea’s season. One new owner, three managers and seventeen new players (at a cost of £600m) has resulted in a comical twelfth place finish, neatly nestled between perennial relegation favourites Crystal Palace and Wolves.
Also, there’s the fact that it was the first season ever where a World Cup was shoehorned into the middle of it. With the games coming thick and fast as a result of a backlogged schedule, this added a dimension that we’ve not seen before. Some went from strength to strength in the face of the challenge (Man City, Brighton, Aston Villa), some not so much (Leicester, Spurs).
Yes, all of these are great talking points but there is one more, far less pressing point to look back on. We are of course talking about the best and worst hair of the 2022/23 season. Here we take a look at who our winners and losers are in this frankly pointless hypothetical league table.
Son Heung-min (Tottenham Hotspur)
Ok, so both Son himself and his club both endured poor seasons. A string of uncharacteristically ineffective performances from Son early on set the precedent for a season in which the forward mustered the least goals in a Premier League season since 2015/16 (his first for Spurs).
Tottenham were teetering two thirds of the way through the season as short-fused manager Conte continued to publicly slate his players and board as they were knocked out of all cup competitions and their top four chances drifted.
Amazingly, things only proceeded to worsen upon his dismissal and his assistant was dismissed after just four games as Interim Head Coach following a good, old fashioned drubbing at the hands of Newcastle.
Fan favourite Ryan Nelson took the reins for a tepid final few games as they staggered over the line in eighth. Still, at least they have another summer of “will Kane jump ship?” to look forward to.
There was, however, one bright spark in the limpest of seasons - Son’s flawless barnet. He shunned the stereotypical footballer fade and wore his naturally straight hair at a length where it can sit either loosely parted and swept back or down in curtains effortlessly.
The back and sides are cut shorter, maybe with a longer clipper guard, but not taken too high so that the classic shape shines through.
His sense of style did not go unnoticed by the fashion world either as he made a surprising appearance as the face of Calvin Klein underwear. Oh, and he seems like a bloody nice bloke too.
Bravo, Son Heung-min!
Champions League Spots
Ollie Watkins (Aston Villa)
Aston Villa’s season perfectly fitted that famous adage “the game of two halves”. England legend Steven Gerrard signed a couple of his old mates before overseeing a steady slide down the table before and being handed his P45 in October with the club only above the relegation zone on goal difference.
Enter wily old fox Unai Emery to oversee an astonishing turnaround as Villa finished seventh and secured European football. He surely would’ve been in with a shout for Manager of the Season had Pep’s Man City not been so ruthlessly superb.
Ollie Watkins season followed a similar theme; at times peripheral, at times prolific. At the tail end of the season he hit a purple patch, scoring in five consecutive games as he finished on a season best fifteen league goals.
Thankfully, his hair has remained immaculate throughout. His twists are complimented by tapers that are severe at the sideburns and softer at the neckline, almost in a subtle mohawk shape.
Gabriel Jesus (Arsenal)
A few eyebrows were raised when Man City allowed Gabriel Jesus to head south and join his old mucker Arteta in North London. And for a while it looked like Pep may had made a rare booboo as he scored some vital goals with Arsenal edging ahead of them at the top of the table.
Unfortunately for Jesus and Arsenal, their hero picked up an injury at the World Cup and Arsenal stuttered to allow the relentless, turbo-powered sky blue machine to blast their way towards yet another title.
Hair-wise, the Brazilian forward is one of about ninety percent of Premier League footballers for whom a skin fade is their style of choice. He’s also one of a much smaller percentage who nail the look.
He either teams his high and tight fade with a cropped top and razored part or in a faux hawk shape. Both look great and are perfectly executed.
Harry Kane (Tottenham Hotspur)
A topsy-turvy season for Harry really. Another shed load of goals scored was combined with a rare penalty miss at the worst possible time, resulting in England’s World Cup exit.
A decent thatch is as much a certainty for Kane as twenty plus goals a season. Classically scissor cut with tapered layers that sit neatly on the back and sides and a longer length on top to sweep back with a blob of styling cream, simple but oh so effective.
Look, I know this is going to cause ructions, Jack Grealish can do no wrong. Amongst a team generally disliked by jealous opposition fans (me included) he manages to be everyone’s favourite character.
A legion of adoring fans would give their right arm to have a meetup with the man himself, be it for beers or something requiring more bodily contact. His off-field antics and cheeky interviews only accentuate his lad-next-door appeal. Even being caught cheating on his childhood sweetheart couldn’t dent his reputation.
But honestly, c’mon, the hair? A bit like Beckham, the fella is blessed with sublime skills and a handsome mug, but time has run out for the ridiculous, alice band contained undercut.
Alejandro Garnacho (Manchester United)
After a hideous start which saw United ship four goals in one shocking half against Bournemouth, new manager Eric Ten Hag managed to steady the ship.
He cemented a third-place finish (and subsequently a return to Europe’s top table for next season) as well as winning one domestic cup and reaching the final of another. All-in-all most United fans will (or should) be satisfied following the laughable interim tenure of Ralph Rangnick.
One particular highlight in the red half of Manchester was the breakthrough of a star-in-the-making from their once enviable youth setup. The sight of eighteen year old Argentine winger Garnacho fearlessly terrorising seasoned full backs was a refreshing sight in todays world of organised, systematic football.
Unfortunately, his hair was a less pleasant sight. Sure, we’ve all tried experimental haircuts when we were in our teens but we didn’t have teams of people whose job it is to advise us on dodgy behaviour and steer us along the right track.
Frankly, his barber should be ashamed of themselves for the unflattering bowl cut that they’ve dished out (no pun intended). And, just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, he reached for the peroxide.
Carlos Alcaraz (Southampton)
I’m sure you’re all aware that this list bears no relation to the true Premier League table, so it is pure coincidence that the worst side in the league also has a player with locks of a similar level.
Things were looking pretty rocky for Southampton from the start, but when they decided to bring in some reinforcements in the January transfer window there was the brief hope of a Houdini-esque escape.
One of these signings was £12m Argentinian forward Alcaraz. To be fair to the lad he hit the ground running with a couple of important goals in his first few games before fading along with the rest of the team as the season progressed.
Sadly, there were many low points to Southampton’s season, and one of them sat atop young Alcaraz’s cranium.
Less of a skin fade, more just skin on the back and sides. So tight were they that it appeared he may have been busy with the Bic disposable at half time when he should’ve been listening to the team talk.
It doesn’t get better on top either. A hard razored line on one side leads in turn to an unsubtle wedged parting which gives an Iced Gem aesthetic. The other side just seems to have been forgotten about, with no hint of a blend. Odd.